Findings from Kenneth Starr's Investigations

16> Failure to "perform" in front of congress much more humiliating than failure to perform with Mrs. Starr.

15> "Abuse of running shorts" is not an indictable offense.

14> The Sangria-induced rantings of Al D'Amato do not make the strongest basis for an investigation.

13> JFK shot himself.

12> The most damning piece of evidence is that both Bill and Hillary Clinton previously were *lawyers*.

11> "It is amazingly easy to get money from a Republican Congress to go on an unfounded witch-hunt against their political enemies. Oh, wait, did I say that out loud?"

10> The tubbier they are, the harder they fall.

9> Hillary's botched cosmetic surgery should have been a breast enlargement and hip reduction.

8> There's no ancient Chinese secret - Its Calgon!

7> Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet, Professor Plum, and Mrs. Peacock all did it in the Lincoln Bedroom with a contribution.

6> Since the President entered office in 1992, Chelsea’s allowance has tripled.

5> For the last five years, the Clintons have been living rent-free in a federal building in Washington, D.C.

4> It's official: Janet Reno is butt ugly.

3> Clinton tried to replace Arkansas state police with "Trooperettes."

2> In Arkansas, El Caminos are chick magnets.

and the Number 1 Finding from Kenneth Starr's Investigations...

1> George Washington was a "tree cuttin' bastard."

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spunge@spunge.org
Added: 8-30-97
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