Cereal & testing

I had a favorite cereal; ate it every morning. One morn I took a look
at the nutritional information and discovered that it was, in
essence, oat-flecked divots of lard.  I spent a monkish year choking
down Grape Nuts, which resemble a bowl of rugged BBs, but with less
taste.   Now I just eat what's cheap. This week it's Frosted
Cheerios.

The word "Frosted" on the box  guarantees that the sugar is clearly
visible, not hidden,  just as the word "Fruit" assures you that
several pieces of fruit-hued putty with Real Fruit Flavor will tumble
from the box, and the word "Fiber" means that the package will have
the digestive effect of consuming a Chore Boy scouring pad.

Of course, I could scorn high cereal prices and buy the store brands
with the cheap graphics. The boxes say things like "if you like Fruit
'n' Fiber, you'll love Pits 'n' Chaff!" "If you like Lucky Charms,
you'll love Frosted Pixie Gizzards!" If you like "Alpha Bits, you'll
be temporarily confused by Toasty Random Shapes!"

The cartoon characters on these boxes look like losers who couldn't
get work with a real cereal. I'm sure the cereals taste fine. But I
cannot bring myself to start the day with Oaty Clown Balls, not when
the mascot leers like John Wayne Gacy on the last few hours of an
amphetamine jag.

Actually, I don't have to commit to a cereal for an entire week just
because I have a coupon. There are single-serve containers: The
Kel-Bowl-Pac. In the 60s, this was a brilliant advance in cereal
technology - a small single-serving box that doubles as a bowl. It
was like something "Q" division would whip up for James Bond. They
came in groups of four - Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispees, Sugar Pops,
and Special K, a cereal that has had the flavor scientifically
extracted. The weakest child got the Special K; it was nature's way.

It takes skill to use a Kel-Bowl-Pac, particularly if you are
camping. You take a knife and cut along the dotted line, puncturing
the inner membrane and plunging the knife into your leg. You now have
a small box of cereal stuck to your thigh. Next step: scream
uncontrollably, causing an adult to quiet your misery by giving you
someone else's Frosted Flakes. Thus does the weakest child develop a
sense of guile. It is nature's way.

The different between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Cheerios? The Flakes
have a mascot:  Tony the Tiger, Mr. Swank, the relaxed old pro, the
Arnold Palmer of the mascot circuit. Sugar Puffs had Sugar Bear -
that Rat-Pack refugee with the sleepy eyes and the Dean Martin
manner, the spokescreature most likely to be brought up on a morals
charge. (His co-defendant would no doubt be Toucan Sam, the Peter
Lawford of cereal spokesmen.)  I always got the feeling that Tony the
Tiger would beat Sugar Bear to a moaning pulp if he got the chance;
guys like Sugar Bear must have bugged Tony. Sugar Bear would have
protested the Vietnam War; Tony would have supported it.

Where Frosted Cheerios stands on the matter of post-colonial
Communist insurrections, I don't know. I just eat it because it's
cheap. Next week it goes off sale, though, and I'll have to find
something else. Lucky Charms, perhaps. Nice and apolitical.

Please don't tell me the leprechaun was caught running guns to the
IRA.
-----
Written by James Lileks. He is a nationally syndicated columnist for
Newhouse News Service.  He's in the Washington Post now and then. His
latest collection is "Fresh Lies," published by Pocket Books.

Thanx to TimeWarp.


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Laws of the Toddler & others

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.


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HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan,
Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum,
To santa@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare,
Santa now finds he's a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
>From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.


"A Smile A Day" mailing list 
=== (C) Copyright 1996, 1997 ===
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**********************
deer hunting

A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained
the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the
first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be
quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes
later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure
she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he
got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to
his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:

Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle
off your deer before you take it away?!?!

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**********************
Signs It's The Holidays In New York City 

10. People say, "Merry Christmas!" Before giving you the finger.
 9. Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive
    holly.
 8. People pray even when they're not in the back seat of a cab.
 7. If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls.
 6. Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit
    on their lap.
 5. Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for
    $100.
 4. Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
 3. Police investigate the season's first sleigh-jacking.
 2. Strangers greet each other with "I got your Yule log right here."
 1. Two words: Crack nog. 


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Least Popular Christmas Carols

10. Deck The Halls With Useless Junk / Martha Stewart Made While
    She Was Drunk! (Deck The Halls)
 9. Rudolph The New York Mayor / Wore A Very Lovely Dress (Rudolph
    The Red-Nosed Reindeer)
 8. Latrell Sprewell's Choking Santa Claus (I Saw Mommy Kissing
    Santa Claus)
 7. McCaughey (McCoy) Septuplets / McCaughey Septuplets / We Forget
    Their Names (Jingle Bells)
 6. We're Beginning To Get A Little Tired / Of Hearing Ellen's Gay
    (It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas)
 5. I'm Worried About El Nino / But Don't Know What The Heck It Is
    (White Christmas)
 4. We Forgot How This Ends / Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum (Little Drummer Boy)
 3. We Wish We Were All On Regis / We Wish We Were All On Regis / We
    Wish We Were All On Regis / 'Cause Dave Don't Pay Crap (We Wish You
    A Merry Christmas)
 2. Hark! The Spice Girls Just Can't Sing / Soon They'll Work At
    Burger King (Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) 
 1. I Won't Be Home For Christmas / 'Cause I'm Robert Downey (I'll
    Be Home For Christmas)


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Ten Ways I, David Letterman, Am Spending The Holidays

10. Visiting Robert Downey Jr. with a carton of Christmas
    cigarettes.
 9. Chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my
    head.
 8. Going to KFC for a tasty bucket of deep-fried elf parts.
 7. Hosting my special, Señor Dave's Old-Fashioned Mexican Christmas.
 6. Learning to snowboard on the slopes of Al Roker.
 5. Dropping by Times Square strip club for some "figgy pudding
    wrestling."
 4. Keeping a careful log of when each needle drops off the tree.
 3. Helping myself to some delicious eggnog.
 2. Going to Tijuana for more plastic surgery.
 1. Putting little Santa hats on my kitties. 


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh
    wow -- Q-Tips."
 9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping
    paper.
 8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.
 7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.
 6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You Cheap
    Jerk."
 5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on the
    Home Shopping Network. 
 4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him
    two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.
 3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to
    convert to Islam.
 2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.
 1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap 'R' Us?"


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95

10. The computer keeps asking you to "Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue"

 9. There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.

 8. The computer refuses to interact with the Mir's "Mr. Java" coffee maker.

 7. Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.

 6. Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite's
    computers to keep their system running.

 5. The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since
    "the proper driver cannot be found"

 4. The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support,
    the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.

 3. The astronauts spend three days looking for cyrillic version of
    the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.

 2. Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

 1. You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg.


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12 days of Christmas

 On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:


               Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               5 eighty six
               4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               6 ints conflictin'
               5 eighty six
               4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               7 files missin'
               6 inits conflictin'
               5 eighty six
               4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               8 Megs overflowin'
               7 files missin'
               6 inits conflictin'
               5 eighty six
               4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               9 apps a crashin'
               8 Megs overflowin'
               7 files missin'
               6 inits conflictin'
               5 eighty six
               4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               10 modes not supported
               9 apps a crashin'
               8 Megs overflowin'
               7 files missin'
               6 inits conflictin'
               5 eighty six
               4 sectors bad 3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               11 instructions faulty
               10 modes not supported
               9 apps a crashin'
               8 Megs overflowin'
               7 files missin'
               6 inits conflictin'
               5 eighty six 4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs
               and Windows 95 for my PC


       On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               12 sound cards silent
               11 instructions faulty
               10 modes not supported
               9 apps a crashin'
               8 Megs overflowin'
               7 files missin'
               6 inits conflictin'
               5 eighty six
               4 sectors bad
               3 ports not responding
               2 GPFs and
               Windows 95 for my PC
------
    And now, the long awaited folow-up:

       On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

               A Macintosh instead of a PC


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The 12 Bugs of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Tell them it's a feature
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.


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HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A CHRISTMAS CRIMINAL

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your
own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to
replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light
sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or
reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5
extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point
for each piece of sticky candy).  If you put out a chocolate or
marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K
Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your
friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on
Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are
stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of
goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use
this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own
(Southern California only, others ignore:  5 points -- nobody but
Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially
produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15
points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite
no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

  20-30:  You are just a cheeseball.

  30-50:  You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

  50-100:  Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
arrived.

Copyright Paul Reale, 1996. All Rights reserved.
Selfmade Misfit <http://www.primenet.com/minotaur/>


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HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE

You will need the following:  A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey and check for quality.

Take a large bowl.  Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay.  Cry another tup.  Turn off the
mixer.  Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit.  Mix on the tuner.  If the fired druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift two cups
of salt.  Or something.  Who cares?  Check the whiskey.  Now sift the
lemon uice and strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar of
something.  Whatever you find.

Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to
beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window.  Check the
whiskey again and go to bed.


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Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message
for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7  Debug Windows '95.

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for ecorative pie crusts.

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in
case tires are shot out at mall

December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's
sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices
and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 -Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged
in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri of frankincense and myrrh.

December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.


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The Seance

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the
seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the
voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I
talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you
can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam
Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table,
holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom,
tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball.
"My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr.
Pitzel?  Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"

Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"

"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.

"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the
other world?"

"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We
gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"

A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his
zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling.
Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"


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A NEW YEAR’S ADAM ON CHRISTMAS EVE, BUD

Beginnings end...and endings begin.

That’s either a Biblical paraphrase or a Microsoft credo.  Either
way, as your host joins you in this holiday countdown and the
waning days of 1997, it’s time for a fireside chat.  Besides, I
wouldn’t be much of a humorist if I didn’t wax nostalgic right
about now.

You’ve probably all seen the Budwiser commercial:  the
regal-footed Clydesdales hauling the beer wagon along a snowy
country road, the picture postcard views of snug houses, frosty
window panes and rock bridges...and in the background the jingle
bell jingle has you humming “When You Say Bud” like a Christmas
carol, as the King Of Beers rides to dethrone the King Of Kings.

We were here in Vermont when it was filmed ten years ago.

We stood outside the village store on Main Street as the mighty
equestrian team prepared to parade the Anheiser Busch rolling icon
past us into its eternal 30-second ad.  We waited.  We waited some
more.  We waited most of the day.  We are accustomed to this.
There are no such things as long waits in the country.  There are
short stays.

It’s called Main Street not because it is Main Street.  It’s the
MAIN STREET.  Here, turning up or down a road has nothing to
do with elevation, and turning off a road means one thing coming,
but turning on to it means another thing going.  These are
unspecified compass points, not hipness meters.

Simpler, yet sublime living to be sure, but I’m going for the true
meaning of Christmas & New Year’s here.  Just think of this as a
sneak frontal assault on King Beer’s Muzak.

Thus, if you all go along past the post office, turn-up by the old
tavern, turn-down by the new school house, turn-off when you see
the porch with the wicker goose flowerbox, and turn-on to the next
driveway with the blue mailbox, you’ll get here.

Careful, there’s a green one just before you come to it.  It looks
blue, but it’s really an off-brown.

Driving in the country is what would happen if Yogi Berra made
talking roadmaps.

The nearest traffic light is either twenty miles away or “two
towns over.”  The longest distance between two points is something
to treasure.  You never wait until the well runs dry to miss your
water.  Good neighbors help you make good fences.  And you,
theirs.

Nothing travels as the crow flies except crows...and your dog
chasing the postmistress’s cat.  Everything goes the long way ‘round
the barn except cows.

We once lived across the way in a house called Green Hollow
Farm, not because it was Green Hollow Farm, rather we just liked
to call it that (across the way is somewhere between a hoot ‘n holler
and a fair piece).  If you’d sent mail to us addressed to Green
Hollow Farm, it was delivered, assuming our dog never caught the
mail cat.  But, that’s the point.

He wasn’t supposed to.

Out here, it’s the chasing, not the catching.

The whole point of country living is like fishing.  You don’t go
fishing to catch a fish.  You go fishing to go fishing.  I remember
once seeing the cat stop in mid-pursuit, apparently tiring of the
game.  It had a clear two hydrangea-bush jump on the dog and was
pulling away, but suddenly it just stopped and turned around.

The dog went berserk, grinding to a halt on his nose, then
dropped stone-still into a prostrate silence...and the cat walked
away.  It was the first time I ever saw animal politics.  The dog
skulked back across the yard, trying to hide it’s humiliation when it
saw me.

“It’s alright, Elwin,” he said, bravely (I speak Dog).  “I may have
chased the cat out of the country, but not the country out of the
cat.  We’ll be at it again tomorrow.”  He knew I knew he’d been
stupefied, but I knew he knew I understood.  Besides, he was right.

The second time was waiting for the Clydesdales to tug the brew
down Main Street.  They chomped at the bit and strained in their
harnesses, nostrils blowing steam, hoofs tapping the pavement.

Atop the wagon, the Budwiser Dalmatian riding shotgun was
getting nervous and the two shivering actors were trying their best
to not look like shivering actors.  All around them, the film crew
was doing what film crews do before filming.

To me, it looked like a roadside construction crew working a
state contract.  Ten guys leaning on shovels and standing around a
hole in the ground.  One guy in the hole doing the digging.

The horses could’ve cared less what they were hauling, and were
starting to bicker amongst themselves (I speak Horse).

“Hey!” said one in the lead team.  “Can we get this done
sometime this year?  It’s bad enough that everyone thinks all we’re
good for is lugging beer around the countryside.  Let’s go!”

“Oh, yeah?” said one from the rear team.  “Why don’t you try
the view from back here?”

“No talking in the ranks!” barked the Dalmatian.

“Shut up, you crazy critters!” thought the freezing actors (I
mind-read Thespian).

When, right then, an old man standing next to us leaned over
slightly to say something to his wife (I speak Country).

“Well, Emily,” he said soberly.  “They STAND pretty good, eh?”

With that, Mr. Father Time took Mrs. Christmas Eve’s hand,
and we raced back to Green Hollow to crank out a few snow angels.
The TV beer was eventually delivered, but back here in our short
stay through the long winter...we’re still cutting to the chase.

Marching and standing pretty good.

Happy holidays to all.

Drinks are on us.


Copyright 1997 B. Elwin Sherman.  All rights reserved.
**********************
READY-MADE RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNETers - 1998

* Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays.

* Stop circulating the "Good Times Virus" and "Join the Crew" e-mail.

* Read all of the mail from all of the lists I have subscribed to.

* Limit my subscriptions of lists to a maximum of fifty.

* Back-up 4 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly.

* Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta.

* Insist that all "ten best" lists be strictly limited to ten.

* Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk.

* Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail.

* Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway.

* Try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe.

* Promise when I hear "Where do you want to go today?", I won't
  laugh. (Well, maybe not!)

* Think of a password other than "password" to use on web sites.

* Never "throw" another snowball via e-mail; at least not 'til next
  year.


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**********************
Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me

1.  It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2.  If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3.  Ask why until you understand.
4.  Hang on tight.
5.  Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten
    anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off
    than the worm.
6.  Make up the rules as you go along.
7.  It doesn't matter who started it.
8.  Ask for sprinkles.
9.  If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished
    studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking
    your nose.
14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
15. Making your bed is a waste of time.
16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
18. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on
    the way down.
19. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.


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**********************
The Real Programmer At Play

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with
computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him
to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful
not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real
Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a
beer or two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the
computer room:

       At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner
       talking about operating system security and how to get around
       it.

       At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing
       the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold
       paper.

       At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing
       flowcharts in the sand.

       A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows.

       At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor
       George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the
       coronary."

       In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who
       insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner
       himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get
       it right the first time.

       The Real Programmer's Natural Habitat

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? 
This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. 
Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, 
it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get 
his work done.

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. 
Surrounding this terminal are:

       Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked
       on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface
       in the office.

       Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee.
       Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the
       coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.

       Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL
       manual and the Principles of Operation open to some
       particularly interesting pages.

       Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the
       year 1969.

       Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter
       filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the
       bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending
       machine.

       Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of
       double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.

       Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there
       by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write
       programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintainence
       people.)

       The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours
       at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it
       that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer
       -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between
       compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real
       Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working
       on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first
       nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or
       three 50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out
       of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project
       done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the
       documentation. In general:

       No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless it's the ones at
       night.)

       Real Programmers don't wear neckties.

       Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes.  [But you
       *never* know!]

       Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.

       A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He
       does, however, know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code
       table.

       Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores
       aren't open at three in the morning.

       Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.

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**********************
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

	BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
	BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
	BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
	BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
	CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
	CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
	TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
	CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
	DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
	DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
	FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
	HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
	HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
	INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
	KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
	MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
	MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
	MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
	MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
	NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
	ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
	ROM - Where the pope lives
	SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
	SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
	SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
	SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear


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**********************
Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they
do so okay, Windows does that

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does
that, too

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow
(see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on
most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they
tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is *not* a virus

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**********************
New York Giants Excuses

10. Win or lose, New York fans are still going to give you the
    finger.
 9. Eyes weepy and red from viewing Titanic.
 8. Shouldn't have replaced bucket of Gatorade with keg of Coors
    Light.
 7. Team's starting quarterback: Angela Landsbury.
 6. Misheard chants of "Go Team" as "Go blow a nine-point lead with
    a minute and a half to go."
 5. Spent halftime watching those flickering Japanese cartoons.
 4. More fun to stay home and enjoy those awesome Super Bowl
    commercials.
 3. Because of typo, spent week before game practicing foosball. 
 2. Wanted to prove that Latrell Spreewell isn't the only one who
    chokes.
 1. Footballs is slippery.


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Reasons The Mets Will Do Better In 1998

10. This year, the league is going to let us hit the ball off a
    tee (Second baseman Jeff Kent)
 9. We're eliminating that pre-game Happy Hour (Shortstop Jose Vizcaino)
 8. No more leaving during the eighth inning to beat traffic (Left
    fielder Ryan Thompson)
 7. '98 is a leap year, so we'll have an extra day to practice (Pitcher
    Jason Isringhausen)
 6. We're finally going to get around to finding out what this means
    (does signs) (1st Baseman Rico Brogna)
 5. We're going to give 110 percent, at least 51 percent of the time
    (Right fielder Carl Everett)
 4. It's a huge weight off our shoulders knowing Letterman won't be
    hosting this year's Academy Awards (Catcher Todd Hundley)
 3. No more Cartoon Channel in the dugout (Pitcher Bill Pulsipher)
 2. We just signed a chimp with a 200-mph fastball (Pitcher Bobby
    Jones)
 1. Two words: lucky cups (Pitchers John Franco and Dave Mlecki)


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
One Liners Worth Remembering

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.


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**********************
Prime Numbers

Several professors were asked to solve the following problem:

"Prove that all odd integers are prime."

Mathematician: 
3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime --
counter-example -- claim is false.

Physicist: 
3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error,
11 is a prime ...

Engineer: 
3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...

Computer: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ... segmentation fault


**********************
Signs You Won't Be Nominated for a Grammy

10. No Grammy awarded for "Drunkest Fan at a Metallica Concert."
 9. You think "R&B" stands for "Roast & Beef."
 8. Your only experience with music this year was getting your tongue
    stuck in the CD player.
 7. All your love ballads contain the phrase "lactose-intolerant."
 6. Sticker on your CD reads, "Parental warning: this record sucks." 
 5. Your band has no guitars, but plenty of bagpipes.
 4. Critics agree: your CD makes a great drink coaster.
 3. Your only album: the soundtrack to Deathboat '98.
 2. Record stores keep your CD in a section called "Unlistenable Crap."
 1. Your backup singers are barking dogs.


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Surprises in 'Titanic'

10. Touching scene in which iceberg comes out as a lesbian.
 9. Floating corpses played by former associates of the Gambino
    family.
 8. Instead of ocean, boat sinks in a large New York City pothole.
 7. Several minutes devoted to a lovely synchronized swimming routine.
 6. When boat starts sinking, captain turns on rocket boosters &
    flies that sucker to Mars.
 5. Graphic love scene between Kate Winslet and the Gordon's Fisherman.
 4. So-called "iceberg" clearly just a Coleman picnic cooler.
 3. At end of film, everyone is saved by those babes from "Baywatch."
 2. Passengers jump off side when Kathie Lee starts singing, "If they
    could see me now..." 
 1. The Titanic's father? Darth Vader.


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Some Rules Kids Won't Learn in School

    Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in
school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-
back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found
their way into the standard curriculum.

    Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses
the  phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from  your parents.
Who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation
ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, They realized Rule
#1.

    Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as
your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel
good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-
esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

    Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even
have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

    Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss. 
He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When  you screw up,
he is not going ask you how feel about it.

    Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They
weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been
embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

    Rule #6. It's not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are
responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the
boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you
turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby
boomer.

    Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before
you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents'
generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

    Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers
off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight
hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

    Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your
problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.
Your friends will not be perky or as polite as  Jennifer Aniston.

    Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them We all could
.

    Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a
bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it
was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

      You're welcome.


**********************
Hmmm...

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in
adultery?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

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**********************
Something to think about...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinaited by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.
Both names compromise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their
trials.


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**********************
The 3 bears

 The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up
 in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear
 had to decide who he was going to live with.  So, the judge wanted to
 talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his
 parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear
 said
 "No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."  "OK," said
 the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!"
 replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
 The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
 "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you
 would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear,
 "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
 "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the
 judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear,
 "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."


**********************
Least Popular Items in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Gift Shop

10. Keyrings made from the Rolling Stones' old hip bones.
 9. Gift basket of food combed from ZZ Top's beards.
 8. Tito Jackson's cologne, "Forever Tito."
 7. Variety pack of guitar picks coughed up by Jimi Hendrix.
 6. Combination Michael Jackon/Diana Ross doll.
 5. CD from short-lived band "Crosby, Stills, Nash and Philbin."
 4. New desk calendar: "The 365 Weirdest Things Elvis Ever Ate."
 3. Coupon good for one shoe shine from a former New Kid on the Block. 
 2. Ben and Jerry's new flavor "Chuck Berry."
 1. The Hanson Fake I.D. Kit.

MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a 
documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single 
native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up 
in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned 
beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his 
project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see 
Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you 
mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than 
corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher 
Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest 
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. 
 Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 
197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 
miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here 
you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due west 
into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this
creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky 
mountains.  Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head 
south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very 
difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. 
When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft 
high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and 
you find
village.Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a 
couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state 
and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the 
tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high 
and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious 
dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he 
has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for 
another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits 
are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass 
through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's 
dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide 
said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment 
through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they 
finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low 
and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head 
out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger 
into the village where the natives feed them and and give them fresh water 
and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy 
goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there
Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. 
 You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for 
me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, 
gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you 
come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but 
to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss 
out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to 
spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to 
ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have 
turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles,

finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on 
foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the 
mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the 
mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, 
during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside
until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous 
paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the 
crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey to 
the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having lost all sense 
of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at 
about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed 
tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting 
up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid 
As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and 
adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once 
darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around 
a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened 
old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters 
the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, 
figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"

"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of 
our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the 
dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance 
and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us 
and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes 
himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums 
booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring 
rhythm.  The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment 
himself.  This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has 
not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm 
and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming 
voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm 
out.  You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"


**********************
Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.  She gave
each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest.  These are great:

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have
  To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.


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**********************
PC Messages

A somewhat improved Glossary of Your PC's Messages
By Kevin Pease

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the
"A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting
error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only
to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting
your work back."


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**********************
Heavenly Entrance Exam

The day finally arrived:  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.  The gates are
closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.  We
have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for
everyone.  The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before
you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter.  I was
looking forward to this.  Nobody ever told me about any entrance
exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard;life was a big enough test
as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest.  But, the test I have has
only three questions.  Here is the first:  What days of the week
begin with the letter 'T'?  Second, how many seconds are there in a
year?  Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the
next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam
questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin
with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and
Tomorrow."

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest!  That's not
what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I
didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the
next one?" says Saint Peter.  "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest.  "But, I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!  Twelve!  Forrest, how could
you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:  January second,
February second,  March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter.  "I see where you're going with
it.  And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I
had in mind.  I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter.
"Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name.  Everybody knows
it.  It's Howard."

"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter.  "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:

"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"


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**********************
You've Seen 'Titanic' One Too Many Times

10. You keep asking your bus driver if there are enough lifeboats.
 9. You just released a rap album under the name "Ice Berg."  
 8. Your typical diary entry: "Another day without drowning."
 7. Your Jurassic Park pajamas now seem horribly outdated.
 6. You just had water-tight compartments installed in your pants.
 5. On passport, you list occupation as "Titanic-lovin' fool."
 4. There's urine on your dress.
 3. After 1,000th viewing, you finally realize the ship's gonna sink
    every dang time.
 2. According to your wife, lately you've had a little trouble
    "keeping your dinghy inflated."
 1. You're always damp.

MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC. 
**********************
Things That Will Get You Kicked Out of the White House

10. Ask Hillary, "So which number mistress are you?"
 9. Tell President he looks even more dishonest in person.
 8. Press button that summons the late Dwight Eisenhower.
 7. Scream at tour guide, "White House? I thought we were going to
    White Castle?"
 6. Ask what number President Hugh Downs was.
 5. Deface President's life-size statue of Ronald McDonald.
 4. Ask Secretary of the Navy, "What's happenin', Popeye?"
 3. Request a refill on your thousand dollar cup of coffee. 
 2. Say to guard, "Hi, I'm the President's brother, Roger..."
 1. Change the channel during "Hee-Haw."


**********************
THE FIRST REALIZATIONS THAT YOU'RE NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE

 **You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

 **Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

 **College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

 **Your parents charge rent.

 **The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.

 **It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

 **Three words:  Student Loan Payments.

 **You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that
 dream
 Porsche.

 **You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

 **Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the
  hospital by game's end.

 **THEN, discussing with your friends:  GPA's, spring break plans, and
 tonsil
 hockey;

 **NOW:  mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

 **Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

 **Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

 **Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

 **Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

 **Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of
 coronaries.

 **Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

 **The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

 **The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now
 remembered
 as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

 **You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN
 Sportscenter,
 and MTV News.

 **Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.

 **You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking in
 college.

 **You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

 **You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'

 **METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

 **Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

 **You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

 **Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

 **When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it
 down
 the same as I used to.'

 **Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer  is for real
 work,
 not video games.

 **You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's
 not full
 of '21-year-old kids.'

 **Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.


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**********************
PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.


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**********************
THE OPTIMIST AND THE NON-OPTIMIST

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a
non-optimist) sees only the worst.  An optimist finds the positive in
the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the
positive.  Let me illistrate what I mean . . .

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His search
ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to
retrive a duck.  Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends
would ever believe him.  He decided to try to break the news to a
friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with
him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  they fired,
and a duck fell.  the dog responded and jumped into the water.  The
dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim."


Thanx to The LeMay Clan.
**********************
Life Hints

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot
   be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook
   it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed
   with water.

4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
   heavier.

5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
   underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.

6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
   Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit
   in there.

8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail
   room and look for a package.

9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
   language web pages into French.

10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get
    an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have
    to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.


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**********************
DOS Users Anonymous

DOS Users Anonymous is a new 12-step group, patterned
after the 12 steps for recovery of Alcoholics Anonymous,
Overeaters Anonymous, Al-Anon Family Groups, etc.

The heart of the DOS Users Anonymous suggested program of
personal recovery is contained in our Twelve Steps for Recovery.

These steps describe the experience of the earliest recovering DOS users: 

1.   We admitted we were powerless over upgrades -- that our 
computers had become unmanageable.

2.   We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves --
Microsoft -- could restore us to sanity.

3.  We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to
the care of Bill Gates as we understood Him.

4.   We made a searching and fearless Defrag and Scandisk 
of our hard drive.

5.  We admitted to Bill Gates, to ourselves and to our list server
the exact version of our current operating system.

6.   We were entirely ready to have Windows 95, Windows NT
or Windows 98 remove all these accustomed benefits of
convenience, reliability and productivity. 

7.   We humbly asked him to remove our current operating 
system's simplicity.

8.  We made a list of all files (hidden or system) we had 
accidentally deleted and became willing to commit to 
Windows 95's recycling feature.

9.   We made direct payments to Microsoft or its agents 
wherever possible, except when to do so would require 
us to use MSN, the Microsoft Network.

10.  We continued to struggle with the Windows 95
installation program and, when we were finally out of time 
and patience, promptly admitted it to Microsoft product support.

11.  We sought through the Microsoft home page to improve
our conscious contact with Bill Gates as we understood Him, 
asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the needed
software to carry that out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these 
steps, we tried to carry this message to disabled DOS users
everywhere and to use Windows NT or Windows 95 (or higher)
applications in all our computing.

Newcomers are not obligated or required to accept or follow 
these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unable or 
unwilling to do so. 


Copyright (c) DOS Users Anonymous, 1997

The name DOS Users Anonymous is a trademark and
service mark of DOS Users Anonymous, and may only
be used with permission in writing or by email.

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**********************
Cool things about being the world's fastest man

10. Allowed to race wearing nothing but a "World's Fastest Man" sash.
 9. You're set for life as the new spokesman for Speedy Muffler King.
 8. You can get a rockin' new vanity plate like "FastDude".
 7. By sprinting from one side of the board to the other, you can
    play checkers against yourself.
 6. Have easy excuse when girlfriend complains after sex.
 5. You're rarely, if ever, referred to as "lard butt".
 4. You actually have time to use a separate shampoo and conditioner.
 3. Nobody bothered by the cardboard lightening bolts you pasted to
    your head. 
 2. Get to meet the world's fattest man and ask, "So what's it like
    to be president?"
 1. When visiting New York, you can actually outrun the gunfire.

 MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
HIS AND HIRSUTISM

Hair.

Heads up, my fellow male Marchers.

Get ready to temporarily ride the new permanent wave, as yet
another panacea for male pattern baldness heads for the
marketplace.

Now comes Merck & Company’s “Propecia,” the same drug
known as “Proscar,” already widely used in larger doses to treat
enlarged prostates.  Seems this chemical that controls our glandular
mayhem also, as an unexpected and sure-to-be lucrative side effect,
puts lost hair back on our heads.

Steel yourselves, gentlemen, as we mount up to mess with Ma
Nature one more time.

And, as mothers and segues go, it was my mother who helped set
many of my male patterns, (Sorry, Ma.  I don’t blame you for
everything, but I give credit where it’s due) and on this issue of
balding and bald pates, she first influenced my philosophy when I
was a hairy-headed kid testing her maternal restraint with some
forgotten act of boyhood terrorism.

She said, (I might have been chasing her with a snake at the
time) that if I didn’t cease and forever resist doing such a thing to
her again, she’d: “Snatch me bald-headed.”

Horrors.  And, because little boys are such literal-minded
sponges who wouldn’t know a metaphor from a petit four, I
believed she could and would do it.

I also developed a deep sympathy for Mr. Rudnicki, a
baldheaded music teacher who must’ve been scalped when he
wouldn’t stop chasing his mother, and she not only could but did.

As for Ma Nature, here’s the gist of it, guys:

Let’s say we have two stages of male hormones.  One is
testosterone.  We all know about this one.  It’s what makes us
overload the washing machine, wear our baseball caps in reverse,
and buy riding lawnmowers with headlights.  We’ll call this little
chemical engineer: Testy One.

As we age...or as we begin to separate whites and colors and
actually interrupt ourselves to add fabric softener, or as we flip our
caps back forward because it makes more sense to keep the sun &
rain out of our faces, or as we pay the kid next door to cut the grass,
Testy One is hard at work converting itself into
dihydrotestosterone, hereinafter known as Testy Two.

Now, it is the increasing and final silent majority of Testy Two
that ultimately, for most of us, accomplishes the slow but sure
balding and/or baldheaded snatch.  And, as we all become more
efficient and sensible launderers, outdoorsmen and landscapers in
the process, we don’t miss Testy One so much, anyway.

I don’t make the rules, fellas.  This is just how Ma Nature works
as we chase her with a snake into our new and newer, old and older
pursuits.

I don’t know when it all began.  Perhaps when Delilah snatched
Samson baldheaded and he brought down the house.  But,
somewhere in history, we started to at least partially define our
manhood by our crop of cranial integumenti.

I say bull hair, my fellow headers.

This is why millions of us spend billions every year waxing our
waning noggins with Rogaine compost and bogus cure-alls, and no
doubt are now chomping at the bit to shell out billions more as
Propecia The Snake Charmer comes to town.

In “Reflections Of A Bachelor Girl,” Helen Rowland wrote in
1903: “The tenderest spot in a man’s make-up is sometimes the
bald spot on top of his head.”  Oh, wise & witty earth mother.

But, listen guys, if our resplendent male pride won’t allow us to
be cut to the quip by a mere female onlooker, try Mr. Melville’s
great leveler in “Moby Dick,” Chapter Twenty-Five:

“In truth, a mature man who uses hair-oil, unless medicinally,
has probably got a quoggy spot in him somewhere.  As a general
rule, he can’t amount to much in his totality.”

I don’t believe there’s a woman who really wouldn’t prefer a
bald, sensitive, fun and funny man over the narcissistic, dimwitted
Fabio genre.   And, any woman who does is probably over-endowed
with quoggy spots herself.

Before Propecia hits the shelves and we head into yet another
new era of redefining machismo, I have two testimonials for our
medicine cabinets:

1.  When Merck tested the effects of Propecia in a double-blind
study, an amazing result emerged:

After using the drug as prescribed for one year, almost half the
men answered that the treatment was “effective in slowing down
hair loss.”

One problem.  For those twelve months, those men had
unknowingly taken placebos, the pharmaceutical equivalent of M &
M’s.  This proves, boys, that the true meaning and our real
perceptions of what’s on top of our heads, lies inside our heads.
It’s either that or M & M’s melt in our brains, not in our hands.

Let’s not forget the country witticism:  “There may be snow on
the roof, but there’s still fire in the furnace.”

2.  This pill is not for women.  Fact is, because of the high risk
of birth defects, it’s recommended that pregnant women not even
HANDLE the drug.  Egad.

I’m siding with Dr. Michael F. Holick, the gland honcho at
Boston Medical Center.  He said that no one yet knows the
long-term effect of shutting down Testy Two, adding:
“Theoretically, if you lose the active substance that helps maintain
bones, you could sustain bone loss.”

Holy guise & dolls...is there a generation of bald human jellyfish
on the horizon?  Hair today, gone tomorrow?

You’ll pardon me, but I must head down to the basement.

Time to stoke the furnace...and add the fabric softener to the
wash.

You know how Testy they can get.


Copyright 1998 B. Elwin Sherman.  All rights reserved.
**********************
KEEPING MY PACKED POWDER DRY

Skiing.

I could think of no good reason to go back up there.

I didn’t have to deplete last week’s discretionary funds or risk
humiliation, broken limbs and frostbite to pay the mortgage,
re-stock the refrigerator or tune-up the truck.  There were no debt
collectors waiting at the summit, no groceries lining the trails, no
service stations holding a bay open at the base lodge.

Yes, I could’ve easily passed the day in these Vermont boonies
just LOOKING at the mountain outside my window...the
snow-brushed dense woods gracing its pristine slope and the thin
clouds winnowing across its peak...without dusting the cobwebs
from my long-closeted ski equipment and schussing down the resort
on its other side.

No, I couldn’t think of one good reason to impoverish, mortify,
fracture or freeze myself for the sake of another ride in the chariots
of the Nordic Gods.

Not one...’cept the pure hellish adventure of it.

It was the same inner, double-daring voice that echoed from my
childhood---the spiritual pitchfork that once prodded me to stick my
tongue on a sub-zero metal flagpole, pee on an electric fence, and
force a fire department head & neck lube job to extricate my
groundhog-chasing cranium from a storm drain.

My first outing on skis may not have been a wide-eyed,
pinwheeling skid down the backyard hill in rubber mukluks whilst
clotheslined into barrel staves and clutching broom handle poles,
but that’s how I remember it.

I am sure, however, of the last three things I heard and saw and
felt the first time I attempted to ski.  In chronological order:

1.  My Dad hollering, “Bend your knees!”

2.  The lilac bushes.

3.  Bent knees.

Next comes a recollection of my first trip going up a snowy
surface on a rope tow, now all but extinct, and for good reason.
They were more hazardous than any imaginable trip down,
especially when one falls, panics, forgets to let go, and is dragged
halfway up the hill with his left ski tip in his right ear.

Fast forward to last week.  In my adulthood interim I’ve
occasioned to go snow-skiing, usually for all the wrong reasons (see:
flagpoles, fences and groundhogs).  Then, after suffering the alpine
equivalent of a skinned lingua, high-voltage groin, and the dreaded,
boyhood “ostrich head,” I remember why I’d not majored in
Downhill Racing in the curriculum o’ Life:

I ski like a tongue-less ostrich with its zipper on fire.

Reason enough, in my selective memory of truth &
consequences, to pack up the gear and head for the hill.  But, I
soon began to remember everything I’d forgotten....

The price of an all-day lift ticket confirmed my fear that the
yearly tune-up, monthly mortgage and weekly grub would have to
wait.  No matter.  By day’s end I’d surely be fortune-bound as
tabloid fodder and a talk show headliner:

“MAN IMPALED ON MOUNTAIN LILACS GETS KNEE
TRANSPLANTS FROM HIS OWN SKULL BONES....”

Michael Jackson would pay millions for the rights to the plaster
casts alone.

Next came ski apparel.  I hadn’t updated it since my last trip up
there.  Sure, I layered my clothing like one does in snow country,
wearing six sets of everything.  But, I felt and I’m sure I looked like
what happens when an incontinent Baby Huey meets Frankenstein
the Eskimo Pie salesman.

Even where one faces the perils of wind-chill, avalanches,
bottomless crevasses, pre-adolescent lift attendants, and the
prospect of having one’s knee and skull bones meet in a looping
hyperflexion around a mountain shrubbery, fashion is a factor.

I didn’t care.  I came to have a hellish adventure.  I was warm
without Spandex.  Snug without Velcro.  Visible without Day-Glo.
And, I’d already crashed into the public toilet attempting to turn
around in ski boots.

It’s impossible, by the way, to walk while wearing ski boots.
About all one can do safely while inserted in ski boots and
unattached to skis, is plant one’s self in front of a urinal and try to
sell a few Eskimo Pies.  One must camouflage this action by
imitating a teetering Baby Huey peeling back six layers of
unfashionable thermal diapers just in time.

There had been another change in the ski world since I’d last hit
the slopes.  I discovered, upon exiting the chairlift at the summit,
that ski areas will avoid using the word “icy” at all costs.

Down below, conditions at the top had been reported as “thin
cover,” and/or “frozen granular.”

An icy rose by any other name.

This resulted in a two thousand-foot sideways glissade---a
hellishly adventurous cartoon monster skimming akimbo o’er a
thin cover of frozen granulation, wrapped in a dull and
freeze-drying cocoon of piecemeal long-johns.

This trip was interrupted once about halfway down by an
unscheduled but gloriously executed application of Sir Isaac
Newton’s little known Fourth Law, the “Butt Over Bandbox
Theorem,”  i.e.:

“Any cold and damp irrational object setting itself in a rapidly
descending motion after a five-year hiatus in a warm and dry
reasonable dwelling, must come to a full & complete stop at least
once before hobbling back to the parking lot.”

Okay, besides skiing, there are two things one can do safely in
ski boots....


Copyright 1998 B. Elwin Sherman.  All rights reserved.
**********************
10 RULES FOR FEMALE AOL'ers

   1.     Before deciding you're falling in love, with a man you meet on AOL,
and you tell him your bra size and other measurements, be sure he's not your
long lost cousin, who used to live in the Ozarks and boil his own soap, but
now has a corner office and works for IBM.
       
   2.     When receiving IM's, from strange men, late at night, you should
always check for a profile before you chat with them.  The only place people
like Ted Bundy will have a profile, is the FBI serial killer database.  So, if
he doesn't have a profile, beware!
       
   3.     Don't read or answer any e-mail, that sends you a link to any web
site with a name like "www.vibrator4u.com."
       
   4.     Make up witty answers to the proverbial, "So, what do you do for a
living?" that come out of the blue from a man in chat.  If you don't care to
respond to this question honestly, good responses are, "I seal envelopes at
home; I'm up to 15 a day now!" or "I run a coven of witches, out of a small
cave, near the Delaware coast" or "I'm the person who walks behind elephants
at the circus."  It just makes chat so much more fun!
       
   5.     Watch out for .wav files with names like "bendover.wav" and
"lemmedoU.wav"  from men you don't know!   
       
   6.     When instant messaging an old boyfriend, who broke your heart, but
whom you found in the member directory, it's best to NOT start the IM off
with, "you fu**ing a**hole, rats love cheese, I'll bet you're having Brie
right now!"
       
   7.     Have a picture of "Mimi" from Drew Carey available in your
collection of .GIFs.  Send this to the cyber freaks, who won't leave you alone
and tell them it's you.
       
   8.     Respond to everything a "jerk" says with, " <~~~ not listening, day
dreaming about homicide."  Keep listing this as a response.  It will drive
them nuts.
       
   9.     If you REALLY meet a nice guy on AOL, call a private detective.
Chances are, it's a 'cover" in the Witness Protection Program.
       
   10.    And finally, install a second phone line and keep it free.  Forget
about other people needing to call you...you really need it for the day you
might want to order a pizza without having to sign off.


=== (C) Copyright 1996 - 1998 ===
**********************
BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN...

- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep
right through it

- that I would change so much and barely realize it

- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways

- that college kids throw airplanes, too

- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so
dressed up

- that every clock on campus shows a different time

- that if you were smart in high school - so what?

- that I would go to a party the night before a final

- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put
together

- that you can know everything and fail a test

- that you can know nothing and ace a test

- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my
roomie

- that home is a great place to visit

- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes

- that friendship is more than getting drunk together

- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about

- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50

- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination

- that psychology is really biology,  biology is really chemistry,
chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math

- that I really wouldn't be with that high school (boy/girl)friend
for the rest of my life

- that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same
time

- that beer would play an intricate role in my future

- that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life

- how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home

- that I would no longer get allowance


To subscribe or unsubscribe send email with "add" or "remove" in the
subject line (without the quotes) to "gcfl-request@usa.net".  Send
submissions and comments to "gcfl@usa.net".  Or go to the web page:
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**********************
Allegations Against Al Gore

10. Has been covering up the fact that Janet Reno is his identical
    twin brother
 9. Made hilarious prank fundraising calls under the name "Jerky Al"
 8. Before Cabinet meetings, always gets, like, really baked
 7. Has thirty pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at
    all times
 6. Uses White House phones to run service called "1-900-HOT-VEEP"
 5. Leaves Big Macs all around Oval Office in hope that President
    Clinton will eat himself to death
 4. During campaign, spread rumor that Dole was old, when in fact
    he's only 36
 3. On the night of March 12, at approximately 8:15 PM, he blinked 
 2. According to Tipper, he's not nearly as stiff as everyone thinks
 1. He's the real father of Michael Jackson's baby


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Did Ya' Ever Just Wonder...

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?

 Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

 Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what
time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?

The light went out, but where to?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other
trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It
sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not
adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him
a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer
?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all
still working?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

GIGGLE'S HUMOR LIST (C) Copyright 1998, All rights reserved.
	--to subscribe:  e-mail  maiser@mail.otherwhen.com  with the message:
                            subscribe giggles
**********************
More One Liners

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never  opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like  A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.


HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE?                  
It's free! Just send a message to 
oracle-humor-subscribe@lyris.oraclehumor.com
**********************
Paperless Ransom Note!!!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FROM: THE TREES


StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.


theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS"!


Interested in joining? Go to HTTP://www.lyris.net, and subscribe to
		        The Funny Pages, or send a blank message to
                        subscribe-funny-pages@lyris.net
**********************
English language

 Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in 
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in 
France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't 
sweet, are meat.

 We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
 quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
 neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
 and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
 of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2
 indices?

 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
 comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of
 odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
 vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you
 bote your tongue?

 Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
 for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play
 at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
 feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise
 guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a
 lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
 cold as hell another.

 Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
 Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
 experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was
 combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who
 ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
 burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
 in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

 English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
 of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).  That is why, when
 the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
 invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up
 this essay, I end it.


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**********************
Letter from Camp

 Dear Mom & Dad:

 We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid.  Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and
worried.  We are OK.  Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the
mountain looking for Chad when it happened.  Oh yes, please call Chad's
mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast. I got to
ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps.  It was neat.  We never would have
found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.  Scoutmster Webb
got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said
he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The
wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.  Also some of our
clothes.  John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.  We will be
home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his
fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left.  Scoutmaster Webb
said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's
probably why he can't get insurance on it.  We think it's a neat car.  He
doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride
on the tailgate.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.  He let us
take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and
talked to us.  Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good
driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive.  But he only lets him
drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see
up there are logging trucks.  This morning all of the guys were diving off
the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me
because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast,
so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still
see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb
isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life
jackets.  He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying
not to cause him any trouble.  Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid
merit badges.  When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how
a tourniquet works.  Also Wade and I threw up.  Scoutmaster Webb said it
probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  I have to go
now.  We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.  Don't
worry about anything.  We are fine.

 Love,
 Cole

 P.S.  How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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**********************
Things Overheard During The Clinton/Kennedy Sailing Trip

10. "No, Bill, I'm not seasick -- I always throw up this time of day"
 9. "Isn't there a way to catch fish that are already fried?"
 8. "We're listing to the left -- get Ted's head back to the center
     of the boat"
 7. "Who wants another Chivas and salt water?"
 6. "The main sail just ripped -- Senator, can we borrow your pants?"
 5. "This time I'll be Captain Steubing and you can be Gopher"
 4. "If you're outside U.S. waters, it's technically not adultery"
 3. "That's not a doughnut, Mr. President -- it's a life preserver"
 2. "Isn't a case of Jim Beam a bit much for a 30-minute boat ride?"
 1. "Ship ahoy, Captain Tubby!"


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
FACTS ABOUT AMERICANS

            FACTS ABOUT AMERICANS

            From Harper's Index

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
  husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
  singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
  avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

29% of us are virgins when we marry.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon
  their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

62% of us pop our zits.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
  used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

23.5% admit they don't always flush.

55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while
  they're using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
  caught by the host.

81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
  for a million bucks.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
  credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% proposed over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

56% of women never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.


To subscribe or unsubscribe send email with "add" or "remove" in the
subject line (without the quotes) to "gcfl-request@usa.net".  Send
submissions and comments to "gcfl@usa.net".  Or go to the web page:
http://www.angelfire.com/al/GCFL
**********************
Interesting Facts

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try
to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your
head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in
the US is contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could
have over 1 million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be
eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by
flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by
lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you
may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish
is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim
inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain
firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas
jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally
while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when
the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze
from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire.
Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as
the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would
take.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm,
moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for
breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will
increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming
flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion
full of disease-causing microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average,
than good-looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the
Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off
of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and
oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping
plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create
the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain
reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby
cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic
vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does
Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S.
citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their
vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996
than died while working in petroleum refining.


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**********************
Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention From The Scandal

10.  Make guest appearance on "Ellen" as "Ricky -- The gay cabana
     boy"
 9.  Have name of country officially changed to "Spiceworld"
 8.  Call himself "El Presidente" and ride around the White House
     on a donkey
 7.  Star in new movie about misunderstood genius, "Good Bill Clinting"
 6.  Begin State of the union address by announcing, "I am so baked
     right now, dude!" *
 5.  Appear on CBS special, "Presidential interns do the darndest
     things"
 4.  Release rap album under name "puff puffy"
 3.  During press conference, use fly rod to yank off Sam Donaldson's
     toupee
 2.  Appear on "Jerry Springer" and beat the crap out of Kenneth Starr
 1.  Start harassing himself


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Cool Things About Having An Affair With The President

10.  At your request, nuclear launch code changed to "90210"
 9.  Your old job: Beautician at strip mall.  Your new job: Secretary
     of Commerce
 8.  You now belong to a select group of 48,000 women
 7.  Allowed to drive the rarely seen presidential van
 6.  Get to pick up red phone and scream, "What's happenin', you
     Russkie
 5.  You're the only college student to arrive at spring break in a
     B1 Bomber
 4.  Your name: Kate.  Name of Scandal: KATEGATE
 3.  According to constitution, your 15-year-old brother automatically
     becomes "First Dude"
 2.  Every morning, a delicious continental breakfast prepared by Al
     Gore
 1.  50% off at all particpating McDonald's


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
SEX AND POLITICS IN THE HOUSE OF NEPTUNE

>From troubled waters tropical, there comes a twice-told tale
of Candidate who sealed his fate by hoisting leeward sail.

The Monkey Business, U.S.S., embarked for southern sea
with Presidential hopeful and the ghost of Kopechne.

Commander Hart ran full ahead, front-running Democrat,
as spectral crew conspired to unleash the coup d’etat.

Below the decks, beyond the ears of Colorado’s son,
the rabble roused her passions and produced the smoking gun.

When, up from steamy bulkheads rose the philandering throng
and scandal-ridden mutineers debuted debunking song:

“We’re pirates of the penance, and our anchors we’ve aweighed,”
sang shadowy alumni, promiscuously waylaid.

Commander Hart stood at the helm, preoccupied with bills.
He didn’t hear the burlesque cheer echo from Wilbur Mills.

He failed to catch the chantey in the wind of campaign credo
of embrittled peanut farmer with the cardiac libido.

He didn’t hear a single note of consonant or vowel
from buccaneer of yesteryear: one Adam Clayton Powell.

The tunes of undercover trysts rang in this darkest hour,
of Kennedy and FDR and D. D. Eisenhower.

But, Gary Hart ignored the songs his ghostly crew encroached,
his sights instead fixed up ahead, where Ship Of State approached.

The MB listed hard to port, when crew with mighty heft,
heaved-ho their captain overboard, bipartisanly left.

The Monkey Business sailed away as crew called back in jest:
“You’ll float no better than our worst and no worse than our best.”

Now hides this private President in public camouflage,
whose candidacy came and went through midnight ship mirage.

The sister ships now set adrift?  Not Washington, DC,
but Flying women Dutchmen, christened Jones and Lewinsky.

Let’s not forget the Flowers lying low in drying docks,
or any other mermaid who’s seduced him from the rocks.

Come, second-hand First Ladies, filing briefs of loco motions,
and bide your time, ‘til time abides his briefs upon the oceans.

In Presidential whoopee, (future candidates take note)
if extra-spousal sailing is the masthead of your boat?

Then, cruise the far horizons, leaving public land pristine,
and dive beneath the surface in an off-shore submarine.

Lest history repeat itself, again with flag unfurled,
and, set adrift, you’ll ride the rift of White House waterworld.


Copyright 1998 B. Elwin Sherman.  All rights reserved.
**********************
Other Monica Lewinsky Nicknames For President Clinton

10.  Puffy the intern slayer
 9.  Sheriff Bubba
 8.  The chief sexecutive
 7.  Unnamed high-ranking official
 6.  My sweet impeachable you
 5.  The little rock rascal
 4.  El presidente del amor
 3.  Tubby Dearest
 2.  Commander-in-briefs
 1.  Free willie 2


MERCURY COMMUNICATIONS GROUP, INC.
**********************
Painful Puns

 Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

 Income Tax: Capital punishment.

 A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

 Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

 To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

 A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
and
 the police didn't have anything to go on.

 Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

 Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during
 root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
tines?

 Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

 Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
 A: They both involve sandy claws.

 Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

 Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

 Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

 Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a
pizza
 my mind.

 The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.
Her
 doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

 A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln
Tunnel
 with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it
was.  I
 told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

 California smog test: Can UCLA?

 The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

 Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
 A: Dis-gruntled.


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**********************
THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS

  Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
  Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
  The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
  At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
  When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
  When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
  I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
  The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
  The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
  And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
  As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
  And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
  I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
  disguised as a man!"
  So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
  Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
  Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
  "Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
  I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
  I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
  I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
  I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
  I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
  But isn't that what January is for?
  Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
  Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


GIGGLE'S HUMOR LIST (C) Copyright 1998, All rights reserved.
**********************
38 Politically Correct ways to say someone is stupid

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all her Corn Flakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination platter.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off her cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.


**********************
The World's Easiest Quiz

The World's Easiest Quiz (with the answers below)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October evolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what nimal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.


**********************
The World's Easiest Quiz

The World's Easiest Quiz (with the answers below)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October evolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what nimal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealan